Today, in the Christian tradition, is Good Friday. It is a day of darkness. The last gasp of Winter before the freshness of Spring.

Today I am thinking about the darkness within us – our shadow selves – which thrive on secrecy and shame.

Do you realize that if Red Riding Hood hadn't said to the wolf, "my grandma is sick and alone and she lives right this way," then the wolf would never have eaten either of them and the moral of the story is JUST KEEP QUIET ABOUT YOUR FAMILY PROBLEMS!

We are taught to pretend that GOOD people are nearly always even-keeled and kind with kind and pleasant families, and that if we are not GOOD then we must  be really BAD.

Personality weaknesses make us BAD. Problems make us BAD. Unpleasant feelings make us BAD.

These false beliefs create feelings of shame and unhappiness, which in turn cause us to act out our weaknesses even more.

Of course it was Red Riding Hood's mother who sent her into the wolf-infested forest in the first place and so the real moral of the story is: IT IS ALWAYS THE MOTHER'S FAULT.

Mothers tend to feel a lot of guilt over perceived parenting failures. If we are honest with ourselves, we can see our children mimic our shadow side.

As children, of course we saw the shadow side of our parents. If they were able to claim and define that part of themselves, then we were able to fit the shadow into the larger part of who we knew them to be and accept that good people have weaknesses and problems.

If our parents were in denial about the darker side of themselves, then their shadows probably scared the crap out of us. BAD could be lurking anywhere. We have to be on guard against BAD, especially the BAD within ourselves. Weaknesses are BAD.

The reality of course, is that every human has a shadow side. And you have to get comfortable with your own weaknesses if you want to be your most authentic, kindest self.

My shadow self is snarly and short tempered, especially with my teenage daughter. I long to be a mother who models patience and exudes unconditional love.

Here are four things I do that helps:

1) I confront my shadow with acceptance. (deep sigh) Yes, I am in a snarly mood today.

2) Then reflection – detective work, if necessary. What is going on within me right now that is causing this snarliness today? Lack of sleep, too many deadlines, hormones? I find that it helps if I can put my finger on a particular cause, and then keep that in mind as the shadow emerges. Sometimes I have to go pretty deep to find the cause.

3) If I’m still having a hard time, I visualize a conversation with…Love. (here is where it gets personal and the image varies according to your spiritual beliefs…God, spirit guides, saints, deceased loved ones, angels, or even that best most loving soul part of your self that dwells within you) In my opinion, it doesn’t matter how you visualize Love. But it does help to have this conversation and ask for the help of Love. Then be open to what comes. (I’m going to write more about this step in a future post.)

4) Next, make amends to anyone that my shadow may have hurt. (Very hard to do if I am still resisting or denying my weakness.)

It’s all MUCH harder than it sounds.

Of course, therapy can be helpful to get you in touch with your shadow side and uncover whatever is feeding it.

Letting the sun shine into the darkest parts of yourself is freeing. You can feel a deeper connection with your fellow flawed humans and your real self.

Once upon a time Red Riding Hood was eaten by a wolf, but then she clawed her way out of his stomach and emerged with special powers: she could feel the energy of the trees, predict hurricanes and old people wanted her to sit with them as they died. THE WISEST PEOPLE ARE THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH STUFF.

Have you acknowledged your shadow side – the deepest, darkest part of your personality? (Does your shadow act indirectly – using subtle ways of bringing other people down? Or more directly?)

How do you let the sun shine onto your shadow self?