It’s my birthday tomorrow, and if you know me you know that means it’s time for lots of reflection and brainstorming! Here’s an exercise you might find interesting:

FIRST, think of your life story in terms of significant chapters – however that makes sense for you.

For me, I have:   1) Childhood    2) High School & College. Then I moved around the country and each place gets its own chapter    3) Bloomington    4) Chicago        5) Seattle   then   6) MSU Grad School    7) Lagoon    8) Adoption    9) SKU Grad School.

(Or your chapters could include places you worked, for example.)

NEXT, for each chapter ask yourself:

a) Who (or what) were my main influences during this time?

b) What significant challenge did I overcome?

c) What is the main thing I learned? (about myself or life in general)

THEN, notice if there are any overall themes to your story.

FINALLY, think about what you want your next chapter to look like.

What do you want to do/see/be?

Who or what are you going to surround yourself with that will influence or affect you?

And most importantly, what, if anything, seems to be blocking your way and what are you going to do about it?

Exercises like this can bring clarity and a fresh perspective to your decision-making or whatever’s been on your mind lately. And, if you’re like me, you’ll have fun doing it.

What do you think?

(BTW, that’s my old buddy Murray in the backseat!)

I’m not keeping up this blog very well, as my days are now filled with writing and reading theology for graduate school. I am more than halfway through this graduate program – and yet I’m still amazed at how the heck I, of all people (and in my mid-40s), became a theology student. I am not even particularly religious! I won’t go into the whole story of how I found myself here, but…

…the bottom line is that I was propelled into it – propelled onto this academic path.

Propelled much in the same way that I was propelled into motherhood – ME – a single, self-absorbed woman suddenly adopting a traumatized first grader and raising her. Really?

Both of these big life choices hopped right over the thinking part of my brain and grabbed my gut in a way that all other options disappeared.

Neither motherhood nor graduate school (this second time around) seemed like choices so much as road signs dropped onto my path (Detour Ahead!) with no way around it.

And here’s the thing: I love when these road signs drop into my life – because making the best life choices often require us to let go of our rational minds – a process that is counter to what we’ve been taught, counter-cultural and just plain HARD.

These road signs appear when I plead / pray:

God! (Universe! Angels! Saints! Spirit Guides! Ancestors!)

Show me the way!

And they do.

It’s a process of course – learning how to ask for what you need,

how to notice when it appears and

how to accept what has been offered.

It’s a long, difficult process but before I explain further I need to say that I chose the tagline of this website for a reason.

Focusing Your Life in the Direction of Your Happiest Self

I was stuck trying to decide between Best Self? Truest Self? when my friend Celina suggested Happiest Self.

Of course! Happiness is what I struggled towards for years – straining against the depression and anxiety that is so rampant on both sides of my family. My genes are definitely depressed genes but I have learned to step away from the rabbit hole, so to speak and focus my thoughts in a more positive direction.

I can share many life lessons about becoming my happiest self

because it is something I have had to work so dang hard at.

I consider myself a melancholic optimist.

Melancholic by nature, and stubbornly optimistic by sheer will. I am optimistic because I have developed the awareness to see that

God/ the Universe/ Angels/ Spirit Guides / Ancestors

really do have my back and really do want to keep offering me gifts and direction and opportunities.

You see, when I was a little girl my dad repeatedly told me that our family was born under a black cloud. Great role model, I know. He said this quite a bit and so of course I believed it. I expected bad things to happen. I focused on the bad things that happened.

And the Universe did not disappoint. As a new college grad living in my hometown of Chicago,  the shit just kept coming. In less than three months time, my car broke down on Lake Shore Drive, I was jumped by three strangers with a baseball bat, my car was stolen – and it kept coming. My roommate had to bail on our lease, I didn’t get the job I wanted, etc. etc – but through it all a teeny, tiny voice kept telling me that I was special.

“There’s something special about you.”

It started with a teeny voice but then I noticed the Universe confirming this message, letting me know it was true. First, in random ways: a drunk, homeless guy shouted it at me, an author at a book signing telling me during a talk at a bookstore. Then, in earned ways: from a supervisor, from a friend.

I began to LOOK for and notice the signs that showed that I matter, I have gifts to share and I am here on Earth to use them.

Noticing this message from the Universe and believing it to be true was my first step into the world of possibility. I learned to ask God/the Universe, etc. for signs of how to best use my gifts and accept whatever answers come.

This became a daily practice: asking, noticing, accepting – and giving thanks. (Over time, this practice morphs into a totally new perspective on life and everything that happens to you.)

And that, readers, is the short version of how I ended up in graduate school, how I became the mother of an amazingly courageous young woman and how I learned to overcome my melancholic genes and become a happier person.

And you know what?

God/ the Universe/ Your Spirit Guides / Your Dead Loved Ones

want YOU to know – YOU reading this –  that :

There is something special about you, too.

If you don’t believe it, and you have never noticed a sign confirming this for you before –

then consider this blog post and whatever path lead you to read it to be your first one.

There is something special about you.

(Use it for the greater good.)

Photo credit: By ReubenGBrewer (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Today, in the Christian tradition, is Good Friday. It is a day of darkness. The last gasp of Winter before the freshness of Spring.

Today I am thinking about the darkness within us – our shadow selves – which thrive on secrecy and shame.

Do you realize that if Red Riding Hood hadn't said to the wolf, "my grandma is sick and alone and she lives right this way," then the wolf would never have eaten either of them and the moral of the story is JUST KEEP QUIET ABOUT YOUR FAMILY PROBLEMS!

We are taught to pretend that GOOD people are nearly always even-keeled and kind with kind and pleasant families, and that if we are not GOOD then we must  be really BAD.

Personality weaknesses make us BAD. Problems make us BAD. Unpleasant feelings make us BAD.

These false beliefs create feelings of shame and unhappiness, which in turn cause us to act out our weaknesses even more.

Of course it was Red Riding Hood's mother who sent her into the wolf-infested forest in the first place and so the real moral of the story is: IT IS ALWAYS THE MOTHER'S FAULT.

Mothers tend to feel a lot of guilt over perceived parenting failures. If we are honest with ourselves, we can see our children mimic our shadow side.

As children, of course we saw the shadow side of our parents. If they were able to claim and define that part of themselves, then we were able to fit the shadow into the larger part of who we knew them to be and accept that good people have weaknesses and problems.

If our parents were in denial about the darker side of themselves, then their shadows probably scared the crap out of us. BAD could be lurking anywhere. We have to be on guard against BAD, especially the BAD within ourselves. Weaknesses are BAD.

The reality of course, is that every human has a shadow side. And you have to get comfortable with your own weaknesses if you want to be your most authentic, kindest self.

My shadow self is snarly and short tempered, especially with my teenage daughter. I long to be a mother who models patience and exudes unconditional love.

Here are four things I do that helps:

1) I confront my shadow with acceptance. (deep sigh) Yes, I am in a snarly mood today.

2) Then reflection – detective work, if necessary. What is going on within me right now that is causing this snarliness today? Lack of sleep, too many deadlines, hormones? I find that it helps if I can put my finger on a particular cause, and then keep that in mind as the shadow emerges. Sometimes I have to go pretty deep to find the cause.

3) If I’m still having a hard time, I visualize a conversation with…Love. (here is where it gets personal and the image varies according to your spiritual beliefs…God, spirit guides, saints, deceased loved ones, angels, or even that best most loving soul part of your self that dwells within you) In my opinion, it doesn’t matter how you visualize Love. But it does help to have this conversation and ask for the help of Love. Then be open to what comes. (I’m going to write more about this step in a future post.)

4) Next, make amends to anyone that my shadow may have hurt. (Very hard to do if I am still resisting or denying my weakness.)

It’s all MUCH harder than it sounds.

Of course, therapy can be helpful to get you in touch with your shadow side and uncover whatever is feeding it.

Letting the sun shine into the darkest parts of yourself is freeing. You can feel a deeper connection with your fellow flawed humans and your real self.

Once upon a time Red Riding Hood was eaten by a wolf, but then she clawed her way out of his stomach and emerged with special powers: she could feel the energy of the trees, predict hurricanes and old people wanted her to sit with them as they died. THE WISEST PEOPLE ARE THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH STUFF.

Have you acknowledged your shadow side – the deepest, darkest part of your personality? (Does your shadow act indirectly – using subtle ways of bringing other people down? Or more directly?)

How do you let the sun shine onto your shadow self?

Damn, can the days whiz by quickly as bad habits turn into a whole lifestyle, a whole life.

Plans we put out of our minds for just a minute while we run to the grocery store become dreams we haven’t seriously considered in years. We get so lost in our thoughts and worries, our chores and obligations, that we lose sight of who we really want to be.

I could come up with 50 goals I’d like to accomplish in my lifetime, but on New Year’s Day 2010, I focused on the priorities I wanted to have no matter how crazy or chaotic my days were. I came up with three actions I wanted to do every day and I used a day-book to record my progress.

Connect

The first goal was a no-brainer. How many nights did I tuck my then 11-year-old daughter into bed thinking, “I wish I would have done something fun with K today” or “Did I really have to yell at her for that?” What if I had to take note of my daily connection with my daughter and report on it? I know I am an adequate parent, and that obsessing over my mothering flaws tends to make things worse, but what if I had a small but meaningful objective that I had to meet every day – cranky days and crazy, busy days included? Goal Number One: Lovingly & Meaningfully Connect with K Every Day.

Create

The second goal focused on the dreams that had been collecting dust for the past few years. You see, in 2006 I adopted a 7-year-old girl. It was a tough few years – lots of trauma and grief to work through and daily – sometimes hourly – rages. Prior to the adoption, I was a writer and performer in my spare time from work. Now there was no spare time and for the first time in my life I had no creative outlet. I stopped writing, attending performances, reading anything creatively inspiring, or watching any films that were not rated G. Goal Number Two: Do Something Creatively Inspiring Every Day.

Move

The third goal addressed middle-age frumpiness. I gained over 40 pounds after I became a mother. Stress was taking its toll on my body and I found myself having to upgrade my clothing size every year. I knew that in order to be achievable, my health goal had to be small and gentle. Goal Number Three: Move my body in some way every day.

So how did it go?

Pretty great! (For about 3 years, anyway, until tragedy shifted our household into panic mode for a long while. I’ll tell you about that in a future post.)  

My first achievement was being mindful of these three areas. I started each week by writing:

Connect ________   Create________   Move________

onto each day of a day planner. Then every night, I would write a few words on each line. For example:

Connect – Played Frisbee

Create – Wrote blog post

Move – Frisbee!

Or:

Connect – Nice talk in bed

Create – Journaled

Move – Walked dog

It was VERY satisfying to complete each line, and once the day planner was ingrained as a habit it influenced my daily choices.

K: Want to play Just Dance on the Wii with me?

My first thought, “Not really!” My second thought, “Connect and Move. Okay.”

When I had a bad day, I drew a frowny face next to the goal I missed. When I had a string of frowny faces, I took action. In fact, our now family famous cross-country road trips were inspired by an abundance of frowns in the Connect category.

Great things happened in the years I kept those day planners. My relationship with my daughter blossomed. I started a blog which quickly got thousands of hits and led to writing many essays and being published in an online journal. I lost about 20 pounds.

Focusing my life on what truly mattered to me also deepened my spiritual life in ways that I will describe in future posts.

What’s most important to you? Are these crucial values influencing your daily choices?

Feeling reflective? I am.

2014 was a good year. Big positive changes in my home and work life. Movement, growth and transformation on several levels. It was a good year.

Do you know what was responsible for much of this progress? The wretchedness of 2013. Seriously, 2013 was non-stop crisis. Desperation and paralyzing fear. Frantic police calls, a hospitalization, a death. Misery and chaos in nearly all areas of my life, and little of it within my control.