2019 ignited the energy of my long-held vision to a fever pitch, and as anyone within earshot of me knows too well, I was on fire with passion to bring this vison to life. Many hours and days and weeks were spent seeking funding – mostly through grants – and well, none of it panned out.

I am trying to exercise patience and faith that the seeds will still germinate.

I am trying to not lose heart.

Because, oh my God, this vision, this thing I see every time I enter a beautiful open interior space and makes me have to sit down and catch my breath –  this thing that will feed hungry young souls – is a vision I am honored and humbled to have and I pray that I don’t blow it by not being savvy enough to bring it to life.

Sigh.

There were successes too. I facilitated my first 3-day retreat. Later, my first online 5-day retreat. The response exceeded my expectations, validated my mission and yes – boosted my ego (something to keep in check!)

2019 also fused my youthwork experience, my spiritual work and my fervently feminist sensibilities in fun new ways.

Invited to lead a workshop for Catholic middle and high school confirmation students, I framed it on the life of brilliant mystic Hildegard with the message of breaking beyond misogynist, homophobic barriers and tapping into your own brilliance and connection to God.

Invited to lead a session for Catholic middle school girls, I began with the “secret” that Mary is a story to pay attention to – not because she was a virgin, that’s an archetype that can and should be separated from her sexuality – but because she paid attention, then questioned and then courageously, knowingly said yes to bringing the Creator’s love into the world.  

Ah, those were the opportunities, the professional moments that lit up my 2019!

Then late in the year, the most unexpected opportunity: leading the youth program of a Baptist church in my neighborhood. Wow, I did not see that coming! They were seeking creativity and spiritual depth and their feminist, LGBTQ+ worldview matches my own. The kids and teens have already shown up in the background of my nighttime dreams – I take this new charge very seriously and humbly.

The pic of me holding my grandson captures the spirit of my 2019. Full disclosure, folks: my interior reaction to news of my 20-yo-daughter becoming a mom did not perfectly match my jubilant exterior. But, at the ripe old age of 50 and with the encouragement of friends, I finally learned to take the unexpected in stride, to let go of what I cannot control, to reach out only in love, to cherish each moment of connection no matter how small.

The rewards of practicing those lessons have been FAR greater than I deserve. L fills my heart with his funny, happy bright spirit. The loving attention he receives from my daughter and her partner soothes my soul and often (I don’t think she knows this) brings me to tears. I am always grateful to be invited into their lives.

L’s smile lit up each of my most special days of 2019.